Post by Kira Darling on Mar 11, 2016 2:14:43 GMT
I've been talking with my therapist about if and when to tell my two children that I'm Transgender. I have a 5 year old son and a 2 year old daughter.
This wasn't about telling them just to tell them. It's about feeling locked away in a closet, even though I'm already 'out'. It's been very stressful hiding who I am. My wife and I have discussed this a good bit and have scheduled an appointment with another therapist to discuss the best solution to this.
When I was talking with my own therapist, we discussed how stressful such information could potentially be to children, but one thing I've heard several times keeps coming to my mind.
"A child's idea of 'normal' is what they are raised with."
I'm not going to go into what constitutes as "normal" in society, because each and every one of us has a different opinion on the matter. However, this is about the children! What is the best option for them?
I found some information about Transgender parenting online through Lambda Legal.
Here is an excerpt from their "about us" page describing who they are:
"Founded in 1973, Lambda Legal is the oldest and largest national legal organization whose mission is to achieve full recognition of the civil rights of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and those with HIV through impact litigation, education and public policy work."
I read a good bit of their article they posted about children and Transgender people. Here are a few key points that I found interesting.
Question 1: Do children need certain kinds of gender-specific parenting?
Answer: It doesn’t matter what gender your parents are. Research shows that the most important influences on a child’s happiness and development are the quality of the child’s relationship with a parent or parents, the quality of parents’ relationship with each other or other adults, and economic factors. Having just one parent or having two of the same gender doesn’t leave children any less well-adjusted than having one of either gender.
A parent’s “gender conformity”—how well they conform to society’s expectations of gender roles—is also irrelevant for evaluating the “best interests of the child,” the standard that courts use to determine custody issues. Studies on gender-nonconforming parents (masculine women or feminine men, for instance) have found that when traditional mom and dad parenting roles are reversed or reshuffled—or even combined in the caretaking of a single parent—there is no adverse effect on the child.
Question 2: Isn’t a transgender parent’s transition sometimes very upsetting to a child?
Answer: Children tend to have fewer preconceived notions about gender than adults do. But it’s not uncommon for children to be upset in some way about a transgender parent’s transition. Studies have shown that preschool-age and adult children generally seem to adapt best to a parent’s transition, while adolescents tend to have the most trouble.
Extra factors come into play as well, however, such as the fact that it can be tricky finding someone to talk to who has gone through the same thing, as there are a limited number of resources available to transgender parents and their families.
It is important to remember that there are many events in the lives of parents and children that may cause difficult emotional responses, and the job of parents and families is to help children deal with them in a healthy way.
Question 3: Are transgender parents likely to influence the gender identity or sexual orientation of their children?
Answer: No, there is no evidence of any greater tendency for kids of transgender parents to be transgender themselves, nor to be gay, lesbian or bisexual. A wide range of studies dating back to the ’70s have measured no such differences.
CLICK HERE to read everything in the article. I've sent a request to Lambda Legal for their sources they used to post this and I will publish it once I've heard back from them. There's a lot of legal advice regarding custody for Transgender parents as well, but that wasn't the topic I wanted to discuss right now.
If anyone else has some advice and personal experience with telling the kiddoes, let me know! I would love to talk about it!!
This wasn't about telling them just to tell them. It's about feeling locked away in a closet, even though I'm already 'out'. It's been very stressful hiding who I am. My wife and I have discussed this a good bit and have scheduled an appointment with another therapist to discuss the best solution to this.
When I was talking with my own therapist, we discussed how stressful such information could potentially be to children, but one thing I've heard several times keeps coming to my mind.
"A child's idea of 'normal' is what they are raised with."
I'm not going to go into what constitutes as "normal" in society, because each and every one of us has a different opinion on the matter. However, this is about the children! What is the best option for them?
I found some information about Transgender parenting online through Lambda Legal.
Here is an excerpt from their "about us" page describing who they are:
"Founded in 1973, Lambda Legal is the oldest and largest national legal organization whose mission is to achieve full recognition of the civil rights of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transgender people and those with HIV through impact litigation, education and public policy work."
I read a good bit of their article they posted about children and Transgender people. Here are a few key points that I found interesting.
Question 1: Do children need certain kinds of gender-specific parenting?
Answer: It doesn’t matter what gender your parents are. Research shows that the most important influences on a child’s happiness and development are the quality of the child’s relationship with a parent or parents, the quality of parents’ relationship with each other or other adults, and economic factors. Having just one parent or having two of the same gender doesn’t leave children any less well-adjusted than having one of either gender.
A parent’s “gender conformity”—how well they conform to society’s expectations of gender roles—is also irrelevant for evaluating the “best interests of the child,” the standard that courts use to determine custody issues. Studies on gender-nonconforming parents (masculine women or feminine men, for instance) have found that when traditional mom and dad parenting roles are reversed or reshuffled—or even combined in the caretaking of a single parent—there is no adverse effect on the child.
Question 2: Isn’t a transgender parent’s transition sometimes very upsetting to a child?
Answer: Children tend to have fewer preconceived notions about gender than adults do. But it’s not uncommon for children to be upset in some way about a transgender parent’s transition. Studies have shown that preschool-age and adult children generally seem to adapt best to a parent’s transition, while adolescents tend to have the most trouble.
Extra factors come into play as well, however, such as the fact that it can be tricky finding someone to talk to who has gone through the same thing, as there are a limited number of resources available to transgender parents and their families.
It is important to remember that there are many events in the lives of parents and children that may cause difficult emotional responses, and the job of parents and families is to help children deal with them in a healthy way.
Question 3: Are transgender parents likely to influence the gender identity or sexual orientation of their children?
Answer: No, there is no evidence of any greater tendency for kids of transgender parents to be transgender themselves, nor to be gay, lesbian or bisexual. A wide range of studies dating back to the ’70s have measured no such differences.
My view on question 3: My wife and I have most likely decided to NOT tell our children that I'm Transgender until they have reached ages ranging from 8-9 when they have 'established their own gender identity'. But I'm very conflicted about this because being Transgender isn't something you 'learn' from other people. You either ARE or you're NOT. So if our gender identity doesn't have any influence on how children identify themselves, and it's considered easier on them to grow up knowing their parent(s) are Transgender, I'm confused about why they must be shielded from us until their own gender identity has been established.
CLICK HERE to read everything in the article. I've sent a request to Lambda Legal for their sources they used to post this and I will publish it once I've heard back from them. There's a lot of legal advice regarding custody for Transgender parents as well, but that wasn't the topic I wanted to discuss right now.
If anyone else has some advice and personal experience with telling the kiddoes, let me know! I would love to talk about it!!